... i was 27yrs old when i got involved with a man that i did not know was married .. not technically, but he had a kid with a girl and at the time he and i were seeing one another, she was prego with their 2nd child.

... newly separated from my husband, on my way thru a divorce and very much scorned about being left by the one man i gave everything to so he could go to someone else, who in my mind (and others as i found out) was levels beneath my caliber... bleh @ that ... anyways, i lashed out to the next best thing to ease my pain .... to use and abuse every man i could get my hands on ... gave me my power back... made me feel in control again ... they were like paper towel to me  .... use it once, toss it away, get another .... God must have truly been sad looking down at me during those years.

... so this guy i was involved with for a quick minute .. coz basically thats as much time as i entertained any one man ... even my family (sadly) knew my track record in those days ... no man passed the 3wks mark ... this sounds horrible already... eh.

... Sefa (short of Iosefa) was actually a distant relative of mine and not even by blood... more the married into the matai name type of deal buttah yeah, we met at a funeral (sad huh) and exchanged numbers and went on from there.

... he was one of my more .. intellectual connections... i wasnt in my lyrical mind then but if its embedded in you.. it just is right? i spat game like no playa guy could spit game... my tongue just knew its way around a guy's ego and it stroked it to the point ...well, to the point, he'd always give it up to me. i'm stating facts here. .. im not trying to be arrogant.. u know me.

.... during our run thru (Sefa and i), another relly of mine brought it to my attention that he had a prego girl at home AND a 2yrs daughter ffrom the same girl.... which i didnt understand how coz the apartment Sefa took me to, he said was his, kinda bland, but then i really didnt pay attention to the layout of the joint, just where i'd lay after our bodies were joined... still i heeded the info from my unko and asked Sefa about it.

.... of course he denied it ... knowing i was fresh from a breakup, he didnt think i'd take too kind to being on the opposite side of a relationship ... being the other worman wasnt something i'd stand for ... so he lied.

... it took me half a day's tracking to find out the truth about Sefa and his baby mama (which sadly turned out to be a true and close relative of mine *sighs* i know this memory is so stink i hate it too) but when i found everything out (the apartment was his cuzzn's place he let Sefa used while he was at work) it didnt make me hurt or mad or upset.... it made me want to crush him... i turned my anger from my (soon to be) ex-husband to Sefa in a heartbeat ... and the game was on.

... i'm a very good actress when i want to be... comes with the whole package of a good imagination and fantastic storytelling abilities .. yes thats my nice nice way of putting i was a lying manipulative whore ... and so the game was on...

... i pretended that i'd fallen in love with him (after 9 days) after we had fabulous sex one time and because the sex was fabulous, he obviously felt the connection to be real from my end... and fell for it... hard.

... over the next week, he showered me gfits and attention and of course i was very appreciative of everything and quite the doting girlfriend ... but my 3wks mark was coming up and it was time to pull out all the stops ... i told him that someone told me about his baby mama and i blew up on him saying "how could you make me falll in love with you when you're not gonna be with me" blah`blah`blah ... waters works, drama of abd pains, etc... cinematography of the year production ... HOLLYWOOD aint got diddly on me ... no lie.

... i wanted to make him pay coz i knew he was hooked on me .. make him pay dearly for what he was trying to do ... NEVER PLAY A PLAYA .... is what i thought in my head knowing i was going to wreck his world .... i felt so victorious on my end ... so in control of everything once again and it gave me my power back like i'd not ever known before.

... in my blinding period of power ... it didnt dawn on me that my little cousin was the baby mama at home ... that she may (and did) bear the blunt of my actions that i've manipulated this man into thinking were honest and true.

... i not only cut Sefa deep to where he was heartbroken, but i also cut him off.. didnt ever answer my pages from him ... when he came to or called my job, i told the girls at the front desk that i was busy ... even when he came to the house, i pretended (even though my truck was in the carport) i wasn't home and even had my roommates lie for me saying they didnt know where i was.

... for a whole week he sought me out and failed everytime ... then, while i was on my next prey ... i ran into another family connection of mine at the bar and they told me that Sefa's baby mama had lost the baby at 7months prego ... they tried to save the baby but it was too late ... i found out years laters the actual cause of the miscarriage but it was much to late for my remorse.

... Sefa didn't abuse Tara physically ... but he ignored her the whole time he was with me and when i broke him, he withdrew from her completely, which made her depressed and apparently lost the baby in the process.

... i'm not proud of this memory ... and i only tell it so that you know .... i know what its like to have "collateral damage" while in the game`zone .... i've been the one end in control and ruthless  ... and now i'm on the end my cuzzn Tara was at.

... life has a way of always bringing things around to a full circle on itself ... now i'm just licking my wounds a bit and allowing myself to be humbled.