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THE DAY I FOUND OUT.

That sound. So distinct.
A fast, uneven beat dancing in the vacant air. I unknowingly look down at my chest, realisation filling my senses. My own heart beating miraculously out of control. That was the distinct sound of my heart breaking into a million bits. My heart is like a puzzle with missing pieces. Pieces that will be lost forever.
‘How could he do this to me?’

I try to escape, my body stubborn like the roots of an ancient tree, stands lifeless. My vision blurred, I close my eyes, praying the darkness swallows me, tears now flowing freely from my eyes. Taking a deep desperate breath, I nervously open my eyes, the image of him with her permanently engraved into my brain.
‘How could he do this to me?’

A familiar sound rings in my ears. I stumble towards my first period class like a zombie, alive yet dead. English went by in a blur, maths was the same. A new feeling slowly and secretly sweeps over me, as I see ‘her’ fast approaching me as our paths cross in the halls. A volcano of emotions begins to boil from within. The one person I thought I could trust, my ‘safe-hold of secrets’ I once called her. I feel the burning sensation from within begin to peak as our eyes meet. I try to hold the gaze, somehow trying to send an energy of hatred and betrayal, instead a sense of heartache overcomes me, the verdict written clearly on her face. Guilty.
‘How could he do this to me?’

The journey home was peaceful but my mind was a war zone of emotions. I found it hard to accept the truth, as it sat in the back of my mind like a bomb on a timer. He loved her. Not me. Her. I search for purpose, for meaning, to my empty existence but I’m met with the image of him holding her. I never realised how much I loved him, how much my world revolved around him, because to me, he was the world. Memories came flooding in as I reminisce about what we had. A friendship that was once so strong. I told him everything, he knew me like no one else did. He knew when I was sad even when I was smiling. He was always there for me when I needed him. And now it was my turn. I forcefully tell myself to pick up my cell phone. My finger then began to move, my mind trailing my actions. Menu. Create message. “I’M HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH.” Send.

I lay in the darkness, my thoughts playing freely in my mind. Silence is the loudest sound that you can hear. I had no control over myself, tears now streaming over a slight grin. I know that this day will forever be remembered, a day that will bring both sad and triumphant memories.
‘Where to from here?’

Somehow my heart answered that question for me. ‘Don’t think about the destination, but think about the journey and the life lessons that will make you stronger.’ Then I realise that knowing that he will never love me the way I love him is reason enough to live. Then I hear it. That distinct sound whispering in my ear, tingling at my side, reassuring me that this feeling of emptiness and heartache will pass. This day will be remembered not for the sorrow and heartache I felt, but for overcoming an obstacle beyond my wildest dreams. I slowly close my eyes, the darkness now filling me, I smile to myself. I can’t believe it. I survived.

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Permalink Reply by WRYDAH on July 28, 2011 at 12:21pm

... got to be one of the hardest hittin pieces i've felt in a while ... you laced it up well ALENA ... thank you for sharing ... took me back to sum ish ... damn!

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Permalink Reply by Tearsz on July 28, 2011 at 2:39pm

Totally agree with my BEAST`wUN!!!

*sighs* The betrayal is a killer! But the ease in which you forgave, truly astonishing!

Immensely enjoyed the read! Kept me glued to the screen!

Write, Write On!!!!

and God Bless you for doing something most of us would never comprehend! REAL TALK!

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Permalink Reply by WRYDAH on July 28, 2011 at 4:34pm

... so i walked away from this post and ..... it lingered in my soul ... like a ... sore almost? you know when you pull too much nail off your finger and it starts to bleed and for hours or days even it just remains sore? yeah.. that kind of lingering on my soul ...... so i shake it off and continue on about my evening but i wondered ... "if i went back and read that post again.. would it still make me relive the pain?" ..... i'm too stubborn to let a past memory dictate my evening so i came back ... and read it again ....... this time? it was a numbing sensation ...... like i know that pain? and how it lingered? ... but the sore has now subsided and just that ugly scar remains ... eh!

... just wanted to say ALENA ... you touched a wRydah's souL today ... thank you for the feeling of TRIUMPH in the end ....... i've gotten to that point too :) .... God Bless!

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Permalink Reply by FRED on July 28, 2011 at 4:56pm

twas bak in 2005 i had my suspicions but a part of me kicked in dat sed relax ur a soilder of da lord
after many hours of thiking +consulting wif da lord,i realised dat i was equipped with the god given talent to search 4 da warmth in my heart,i thort to do the opposite +i became good frends with the so called third wheel in our narriage of 20+ years.after searching deserately in the bible for assistance,i realised that god had a plan for me-passages like if your rite eye causes u 2 sin,den goughe it out...etc-so i fort da lord was telling me he had 2 remove my wife as she would hinder my salvation-also reading da book of hosea-dat really hit home + thea wer people worse off-i now am divorced but i still help my ex wife +continue to be good to her as the good should always prevail,hatred is for people of the world

after reading ezekiel chapter 16,i realised i needed to get bak 2 god +fast

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Permalink Reply by MsTivz on July 29, 2011 at 6:53am

thanks for sharing ALENA.. goin thru someth'n like this can either break U to pieces.. or make U stronger... Ur a survivor definitely.. betrayal is heart breaking.. especially from 2 people You had so much trust for.... time heals....... take care suga ;o)

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Permalink Reply by Hamo Geek Girl on July 29, 2011 at 2:53pm

Wow. Your writing.. the emotion... the memories...

I got so many thoughts and feelings in response to this piece, and no time to elaborate :( so just...

Wow.

:)

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Permalink Reply by eiight daez on July 29, 2011 at 5:52pm

wow..that was AMAZING!!..i agree with what everyone else said..ALENA!..shoo!..

ROCKED IT!!..

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Permalink Reply by कＮＡＵＴＩＣAक on July 30, 2011 at 1:25am

am i missing something ere lmaooooo,louder sumone 2tyme ya.....friendly advice root her/him up her/his clacker and piss her/him off...smilez

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Permalink Reply by Leki on July 30, 2011 at 10:13pm

ur better for it...takin`the high road...thanks for sharing, great write`up.

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Permalink Reply by dOc on January 19, 2012 at 2:17am

dam... dam.. dam.. i mean i know im hella late... EXTREMELY late in replying to this, but i thought i'd add my two cents anyways..

I thought the peice was a beautiful depiction of ugliness... well a part of it..

It's like climbing a mountain.. it's a part of your journey.. going up a mountain u're loosing breath, oxygen isnt enough.. and ur breathing is slowing down.. but then somewhere along the way as u get closer, you become stronger, like every step you took was meant for the breath-taking view from the mountain top... idk.. that's just how i saw it...

wish and hope this can be seen and viewed by many more...

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Permalink Reply by LADEEH_JAy on January 19, 2012 at 6:44am

wow... Just now reading this and like everyone else... this is most def something i can relate to. But im glad u saw it as an obstacle that u were able to overcome. Being that this was posted some time ago, i hope that all is well with you now. it takes time to heal and mend a heart that has been broken but trust in the Lord and He will see u through it all! Well done ALENA and i wish u the best! :)